Nicole Huesman: Bevin, it's so wonderful to have you here. Thank you so much for spending time with us on She Lights the Way.

Bevin Victoria: Oh, thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here.

Nicole Huesman: Can you introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about you and where you are now in your own journey?

Bevin Victoria: I'm Bevin Victoria. I'm an actor, singer, dancer. Uh, composer, writer, director, and sometimes producer when I have to be and a martial artist. And I do fight choreography for film as well. And, um, I right now working, you know, full time in the industry, meaning balancing jobs, between like acting jobs, being on set, doing mostly commercial work. And I'm writing a musical right now, co-writing a musical. Um, and I do a lot of, uh, dance work and dance teaching. And so it's kind of the constant juggling of jobs all the time, but, um, I'm really fortunate to be working full-time in the field that I, the, you know, that is my craft and my like life's passion and as well as my livelihood.

So, um, yeah, I'm at a, an interesting place in my career right now where I'm. Uh, not at a crossroads per se, but kind of transitioning away from something I've been doing pretty like fully focused [:00] on for like the last decade or so, and transitioning into something slightly different adjacent and with this musical and most of my time spent doing that, um, and so it's an exciting time.

Nicole Huesman: Yeah, so it sounds like it's been a real evolution and you're about to, to make yet another, uh, pivot or, or shift. Can you tell us a little bit about some of the [:00] experiences that were pivotal for you along your journey to land you where you are today?

Bevin Victoria: I was an athlete as a kid and, um, my, my number one, well, I'd say my top two goals, cause they were always like, you know, almost equally important all the time, as long as I could remember is I wanted to be an Olympian and I wanted to be a professional actor. Um, or at the very least an entertainer work in media and work in entertainment, specifically acting and dancing and singing. Um, so to me in the before times when I was a young child, that specifically meant obviously musical theater, obviously, cause that was where I could combine all of those interests.

 I had a pretty catastrophic injury when I was 12, almost 13. And that kind of ended my like Olympic dreams, um, in gymnastics at least. And so I started or continued working pretty seriously as, you know, developing my skills as a dancer and as a vocalist and as an actor as well. And, um, so that was the first kind of big moment where it was like, Oh, maybe life is not going to go how I planned, even though I've devoted my whole life, my whole short 12 years, but seemed like a long time at the time, of course, to this very specific thing. But it just, it taught me so much and gave me so many, like, just essential skills that, um, it was a transition that I had to make, but it was something that it, like, it helped me lead me into my next steps, so to speak.

Um, and then later on down the line as a teenager, I got involved in another sport and kind of had the Olympic rings pop up in my eyes again for a little while. Um, but that was, as I was becoming like, you know, an older adolescent and a young adult and navigating that. Plus going to school full time and working full time and being a full-time athlete, you know, there's only so many hours in the day. And so, um, I started to kind of stratify, you know, like things took precedence over others and, um, I'm pretty happy with the, the career I had in, in athletics and it's not necessarily over yet, but, um, I, that's, that was kind of the time when I really started to focus on, um, to kind of let, let a career like sort of, so to speak in athletics go and really, really turn my attention to working full-time on being an actor and a dancer and a, and a vocalist and a performing artist and just really honing my craft as, as well.

 So since that point in time, I've been balancing kind of, you know, on screen work on stage work and kind of navigating how like really finding the way to negotiate those things with each other because they really are difficult to balance in the same time.

 I'm really fortunate that I've been able to make it work and kind of do supplemental things and use this massive like skill base that I have in the world of athletics.

So I worked as a personal trainer for a long time, which I always say is like the family business, other than being a personal performing artists, because both my mom and my dad did the same thing. Um, so I grew up seeing that and experiencing that at least in my younger childhood. Um, and my dad worked as a personal trainer. And so I had a kind of a pathway sort of laid out ahead of me that I was like, that seems something that I could do that is supplementary and like, can be helpful and can, um, be flexible enough to support my ultimate goal of being like a full-time working artist.

Nicole Huesman: Yeah.

Bevin Victoria: Mostly it's about being flexible and just recognizing like, this is not working like this, so we got to do it like this. And I think that that's been the biggest kind of like helpful takeaway from my life thus far as an athlete and having to switch gears in the way that I did, um, as like a teenager.

Nicole Huesman: What was it about athletics and performing that initially captured your imagination and captured your heart?

Bevin Victoria: My parents were a huge influence on me. My mother was a professional dancer and continued to dance after I was born. So I have very vivid memories of being in the, like, what is the little, the baby swing thing, you know. You know, and you just sit there and you're a potato and you swing before you can like do anything or walk and you're just experiencing life and, and she would twirl around in front of me and all of her amazing, like custom beaded gowns and stuff. And I remember that being really young and just being like, well, that seems like a great thing to spend my time doing. Later also. Um, so, and, and my dad, you know, he's been a performing artist my entire life. So it was something that was kind of always right in front of me, but I knew from a really young age exactly what I wanted to do.

There was a period of time that was kind of rough for, for me and my mom and in my childhood. And, you know, some kind of heavy stuff going on and it wasn't the best situation for a young kid to be in. But I remember watching the movie Hook on TV. 

I remember thinking a lot up until that point, I was like four at this point. Um, And I remember, um, being like, I think I want to be a doctor and I want to help people, but I also want to be a teacher and I want to help people doing that. And I also want to be a dancer, of course. And I also, I want to do acting and I want to be an astronaut really bad. And I, you know, and I was like, I, there were all these things. And I remember having the moment of like, If I'm an actor, I can do all of those things. I can literally do all of those things.

And, and I realized, you know, and this realization came later and I'm still unpacking it. But remember as I was watching hook, I was watching the kids. I don't know if you're familiar with the movie, the Robin Williams movie. That's a great cinematic masterpiece. The lost boys are sitting there and, uh, uh, uh, Peter has just gone through his training montage. And it's very funny and, um, very cute and very sweet. And they're sitting there and he's all sore. And he's like, I'm so excited to eat dinner, blah, blah, blah. And he still hasn't quite bought into the whole, you know, experience of Neverland yet. And they're like, okay, well, we're going to eat and then. Um, he's like, where's the food, you know, and they're like, you have to imagine the food. It's a game. And he's like, I don't want to play a game. I want to eat food. And they're like, well, then you should probably start seeing food in front of you, you know.

And it kind of tied into some things that were happening in my life as well at the time. And it was, so it was really powerful moment for me, but I was like, Oh my God. Like I just had the moment of sitting there and being like, these kids are playing, pretend, playing, pretend in a movie where I'm watching it and it's making me feel so much better. It's giving me so much comfort personally. Like that could just be me doing that for some other kid someday.

I had this like light bulb moment, like, Oh, okay, well that's it. Like, obviously that's my job is to help people. people feel better to help people relate, to tell stories, to hold stories that are important and make sure they don't die, and, you know, or get lost in the mix of the crazy world that we live in. And I was like, well, okay, well, there we go. That totally makes sense.

It was like that moment really clicked into my head. It was like, Oh, my job is to tell stories and it's to do it in a way that helps people to relate to each other. Um, and to help people feel like the best version of themselves or to themselves. Inspire them or to help them process whatever's going on in their lives.

And so that became the thing, right? It was like, yes, you do that through acting, but you can also do that through dance. You can also do that through music. And you can also tell a story, you know, as an athlete, in the way that you show up in the way that you are present in a space where maybe other people that don't look like you are present, you know? And so, um, it all kind of like wrapped together to form this kind of like big idea of, of like, the job is. to be present in spaces in order to create access for other people that maybe couldn't have access to that space without you there first or, or to show the way or to clear the road of the roadblocks or, or, um, you know, what, like whatever things might prohibit somebody from being seen or heard or expressing themselves in a certain way, whether they're an actor or performer or not, whatever they want to do in life, they're a nurse or if they're a mechanic or whatever, you know?

Nicole Huesman: It really does feel like your inspiration, the inspiration for your journey has really been finding ways, whether it's been through, through dance or martial arts or theater or all, all of these different things, maybe the way that all of these come together is in your, is in what deeply moves you, which is helping others, other people. And this is really, you know, you're doing that through all of these different channels. Can you talk more about that?

Bevin Victoria: I was doing a show, um, like I don't know, six, seven years ago.  And I, there was a little girl sitting in the front row and she, you know, had She, I found out later that she's a mixed kid and, you know, she had curly curly hair like mine. And, um, I, I kind of like had a moment, you know, in a wave to her and our face, like we had a moment and it was really great.

And, and she, she wrote a note to the theater about how like, I, I liked the show a lot and I really thought it was really fun and I thought that maybe I would want to do that, but I, I don't know how, but then I saw the creature that had curly hair and looked like me. And when she waved at me, uh, I made me feel really special and happy and I want to see more of that.

 It was one little moment in a sea, you know, of moments where you do receive validation in that way, which is so like special and like wonderful every time, if it happens, where I was just like, right, you know, I think the point is it's not exactly what I'm doing, but it's about the energy that I bring and just showing up at all.

Um, cause battling imposter syndrome is kind of a constant, you know, struggle and a constant journey, especially when you do find yourself feeling very different from the other people in the room. And being a performing artist in Portland, Oregon specifically means that I am often one of the only people of color, or a lot of the times, one of the only women, if I'm in like an athletic or martial arts space, it oftentimes ends up being that way.

So, Um, it's, it's a hard thing to unpack, to constantly be like, um, am I supposed to be here? You know? And then to just be like, no, absolutely. I'm supposed to be here because that little girl in the front row maybe wants to be here one day too. And it might be easier for her if she has this person. If I had seen this person, I would maybe have been a little bit more bold in the way that I've moved, you know, in the world as a young artist as well. So it's really, it really is nice in a way because it's not about me. It's about providing, it's about like forging a path, you know, so that I come back to that a lot, which helps me to kind of like diffuse the intrusive, thoughts of you, you don't deserve to be here or you're not supposed to be here.

 The main goal is, it's been reinforced to me so many times in so many different ways, how important it is to just be present in the space to just like show up to do the thing. Um, which sounds silly a little bit, but it's just like, man, just seeing a woman do this thing is like, that's what got me to that point where I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can totally do that. Like, why would I think that I couldn't do that? You know? But It's hard when you don't have that anchor point to kind of usher you into the space. So I want to keep being that as much as I can, even though sometimes it's a little bit terrifying and uncomfortable, but, but it's, it's bigger than me, you know, so I can let that go because I'm like, it's not about me.

It's about that girl in the front row with the curly, curly hair that wants to see more of the, the goofy lemur creature that looks like her rolling around on stage, you know?

Nicole Huesman: Can you talk a little bit more about how your multicultural, multi-ethnic background has informed your approach to your work?

Bevin Victoria: Yeah. It's something that I've only recently started to really figure out is actually like a superpower. Um, because there's a lot of, it's, it's really challenging. To, to know that you are going to always be challenging.

And what I mean by that is people have a hard time, um, perceiving all of the things. Like I'm very mixed and I know about most of it and we have lots of really great records from the French side of the family that came over on the first ships that came from France to the Americas, you know, like that's very exciting. And I know some other things and we've done DNA tests and stuff and I also know how I grew up and what cultural practices were a part of, you know, mine and my sister's childhood. 

It's been a journey in this very kind of push and pull, like struggle to figure out how to, how to just be first of all, um, and there's always the conversation around like code switching, which is like something that I think most people have to do. Um, some people have to do it more than others. Some people choose to do it more than others. And the idea of, you know, picking and cherry-picking certain parts of your identity that are going to show up more in a certain space. And, um, it's, it's interesting when the conversation is around safety, right. But I think, you know, anybody that has been in a space where it's not predominantly filled with other folks that are like them has to do that to some degree at any time, you know, and I know a lot of women have to do that in tech spaces. And like, you know, for a brief time, I was, I was going to school for Theoretical Cosmology and like that was, it's, what a journey to be the only young, young, very young woman in, you know, a space where it's only men with PhDs that are very certain that they know and will always know more than you, you know, even if you're the one giving a presentation about your research that they're all there to learn or, you know, any of those situations where you're like, you would think that this would be easy to like, why do we have to power struggle right now? Like, why is this the thing that we're doing?

Nicole Huesman: Yes. And even if it's not overt, there are these microaggressions that happen, right? Like these little things that happen in time. And sometimes it's not until it may be, you know, hours later, days later, you're thinking back to these times, right? And wow, wait a minute. Yeah. Right? And, and it, you really think about what has happened and to your point, while you're, you're presenting your own research, right? Why, why, why is there a power struggle here? Yeah. Yeah.

Bevin Victor have the laser pointer. I'm at the front of the room. I like, let's not make it a thing boy. You know, like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole Huesman: Our allies and our advocates. Right? And so how do we, you know, engender more of that to be out there for, for all of us. Yeah.

Bevin Victoria: Yeah. It's a constant conversation and the constant journey, but it was, it was those times, especially when I was like, you know, in, in going to college the second time around when I was a little older, um, and you know, closer to adulthood, it was, those experiences were really helpful for me to try to start to piece together like this thing of like, Oh, right. Okay. So there's constantly this stratification, like humans are finding where they are in the lineup of each other. And whether we talk about it or not, there's constantly power dynamics going on, right?

And, and when that has to do with, with cultural background or perceive, like what people perceive you to be as different, a lot of the times than what you are when you're mixed, just because people are confused. Most of the time, I'm intrigued as good, curious, and wanting to learn is as good confused and annoyed and angry about it is not as good. And people sometimes go there when they can't quite like, fix you into a certain space that, that makes sense to their brain or their experience. Um, so it's been something that's taken me a while to embrace and it's, it's a constant conversation for me to unpack my own, like internalized racism and internalized colorism, which is a really big topic among mixed kids specifically, because there is this constant kind of nonverbal or, or verbalized thing, you know, this conversation that manifests in different ways about like where like, you know, sussing each other and everyone else out based on that. And how much privilege do I actually have and how much privilege do you know other people have? And weighing that.

Like, my sister and I are both mixed and we have very different life experiences because she's simply darker skinned than I am like. It's very different for her. Um, especially after moving to Oregon. So that's been something that's been really interesting for me to like figure out where my boundary is or where my line is and like how much can I push here.

But I think overall it's been, especially in the last few years, especially since my daughter was born, it's been this really, um, interesting kind of evolution into really like leaning into all of the very, very, seemingly very different, like cultural influences and pieces of the picture, the big puzzle that is Bevin that like is really what makes me awesome, I think in a lot of ways. And, um, it's been nice to kind of, kind of grow into, I wish it had been happening earlier, of course, but I'm glad that for my daughter's generation, at least it's the conversations are more open, but like people really being open about having conversations about ethnicity and like, passing versus not passing in these more nuanced things that, um, are really nuanced and really present all the time, but not always like aired, you know?

And so, um, I think for me, it's been such a gift to have this like really rich tapestry to like pull from to inspire me and to also to anchor me in a, in a sort of sense of having a responsibility to be a steward of these specific kind of things and traditions and, um, parts of my, cultural background that feel really important and are essential to preserve and to honor in specific ways, or just general by [:00] being a present person in the world.  It's been nice for me to start to try to tie that more into my work in an intentional way. Um, and I didn't realize that I was until a couple of years ago when I made my first short film and, and some of the feedback, you know, from the people that worked on the film, like, was like, wow, this is really personal. And I'm like, well, how could it, how could it not be? I'd make, I'd made it, you know, some people write stories that have nothing to do with them. And I'm like, I just, I feel grateful that like, my life is so rich with things to pull from that. I don't really have to, I don't, I don't even have to write fantasy most of the time because, you know, my journey to this point is wild and really just full, full, like super full.

Nicole Huesman: And being that role model, right? Or having that little girl in the audience see you, right? And recognize the similarity and then to give her that confidence to, within her own journey to go, to go on and, and to see that there are opportunities, uh, you know, when possibilities out there for her and you, you, you gave her that gift, right? You, you, you're passing it along, which is so just so beautiful in, in how you're able to lift others up. Right. And, and really make a difference in that way. Yeah. Yeah.

So you've mentioned a couple of different times , challenges along the way, whether it was the injury that you had, uh, I think in your teen years, um, some of the difficulties that you had growing up.  What deeply resonates for me is the resilience that you've shown through all of these different and, and challenging experiences. Can you talk a little bit about those challenges, how you persevered through them and what you think some of the lessons were that you took out of, out of those experiences?

Bevin Victoria: I think uncertainty is probably the biggest theme of like a working artist's life is like, where, what, what is my next project? If I'm not creating it, where is it going to come from? Is it going to come, what do I have to do in order to like, make my life work next month or whatever, you know, and like riding those waves can be really challenging sometimes. But I think, you know, because of the, the big kind of events, there's, there's so many kind of big, I think that could have been, you know, that classified as catastrophic events in, in my life that completely could have derailed me or, or in maybe even did for a small period of time.

The one through-line for me was, again, it's not just about me me succeeding is not just about me I have to do this because you know my sister like and I have to do this because my mother like I owe it to the people that I care about to keep pushing and so that you know for better or for worse.

I remember the first time I had the injury, the gymnastics injury. I think you learn to kind of like, go, like, okay, that is bad. My thoughts on this are this sucks. What's next? What do we do? How do we, you know, or like, okay, I'm going to give myself five minutes to freak out. Like I can scream and cry and do all that I want. And you know, I think athletics like really hones this in. And if you already have the personality type of being like, all right, what are the facts? Like we got to move, like what's, what's going on. We can't sit here and be sad, you know, or, or, you know, so not to diminish the process of people feeling their feelings. I think what I had to learn to do out of literal necessity was. I always say to myself, like, it is fine that you feel how you feel. This is not ideal. It actually is really the worst thing ever that you could have ever thought. This is the worst thing. So here you are at rock bottom. This is the worst possible scenario. Um, I guess the only thing to do is what do you want to do? Dig down or do you want to, you want to try to do something else, you know, and sometimes it's not always up to you, especially when you're a kid.

I remember having the feeling of like, well, what do you want to do? Be like, what, what's your choice? Like what are your real choices? Like, it's totally fine to be upset. Like that, that took me a while to be like, it's okay to be crying about this. It's okay to be upset about this. You don't have to be stone faced, like robot athlete girl, like go, you know, perfect all the time. It took me a long time. It's still a process. Like that is definitely a daily conversation that I have with myself.

I grew up between here, I'm from San Francisco originally. We moved to New Mexico and we lived here, but my dad lived in LA for most of that time. So it was back and forth between Portland and LA, um, from age like 11 or something like that, 12, right after the gymnastics injury happened, like a few months after that.  It's very different to live there and pay rent there than it is to be a child and living in a parent's house. And I learned that really quickly. And I lived in my car and I didn't always get to eat food every day. Um, and it was really, Not really bad, but the, the, the bottom line was like, I, I just took out, I was like, I have to change the story.

The story is Bevin moves to LA, becomes a big, big star. Everything works out great within a year, boom, boom, bing, bang, boom. That's not the story. Apparently that's not the story. So we're doing a rewrite. What are we going to do? And I remember sitting in my car and being like, okay, Bevin stays in LA and continues to suck.

No. Uh, like I was like, okay, let's think more, more ideas. What do we got here? I stay here and, um, things that are out of my control continue to be out of my control. Okay. Well, what's in my control, you know? And then I was like, Oh, here's a system, right? This is what I can do. I can just change the entire backdrop of this whole thing.

If finding success means living in LA and being a struggling actor, then I've found success doing that. I'm very struggling. I'm an actor. Those things have not changed, but maybe I want to do something else. And I don't need that to be the, the, the part of the story that we focus on right now. So I could come back to that later, or maybe we just change it.

And I was like, okay, I just moved back. I just do this somewhere else. Like I just go and live with my parents for a minute. It's okay. You know? And so it was like learning how to just change the story. I think my life has been so dictated by this idea of being a storyteller that it's like, everything plays out that way.

So the failures, the failures, the successes, all of it. I'm like, how does this fit into the story, right? You know, and I'm like, well, this chapter is a bummer, so let's just end it and move on. Um, and I think giving myself that tool, like pulling myself out of the like wallowing, like, Oh God, I'm done. I'm useless, I'm worthless, talentless, no one will ever love me, blah, you know, like pulling myself out of that even just long enough, like through tears to be like, well, I just want to write a new chapter, you know, it was this thing that it all made sense to do it that way.

 At each one of those landmarks, I started sort of started to realize like, oh, okay, there's a way that I can, how do I move? You know, how do I move forward? I just need to keep moving. Even if that means walking in circles at the bottom of this bottomless pit, you know, I can barely see the sky up there, you know, whatever metaphor I needed to make it make sense in my brain. Like each one of those kind of really low points are kind of catastrophic moments where, you know, I was like, Oh, I might not make it out of this or like, I, you know, I don't know how I recover from this. Even if it's not a literal life or death thing, it's like, it feels like a small death of myself.

I spent time like getting comfortable with like mourning the person that I was before I was in that situation and then being like, well, this new person has new skills. So the me I am today is not the me that got me into this situation. And I still love her and care for her and honor her. Even if I was just saying that and didn't believe it, right? It's just like the act of doing it. Like I still care for that version of Bevin. She's fine. She made a mistake. It's okay. But this version has a different option because I know better now.

Nicole Huesman: Yeah, and, and what's amazing, I think, is that you saw and realized that you had the power to be your authentic self, to write your own story, right? And, you know, okay, well, that, that decision didn't quite work out. Okay, well, guess what? I get to end that chapter because it's my story. I get to, you know, wrap up that chapter and, you know, what's, what's my next chapter, right? And, and the ability for you to be able to see that, see that you've had that power and that control because you, you're the teller of your own story, right?

Bevin Victoria: Yeah, yeah. And just coming back to this idea of like, the, the, the human I am at this moment is not the human that even logged onto this. You know what I mean? Like, I learned something. I've already, I'm already different. I've evolved, I've changed. And I think that's what having like a very varied cultural background also kind of really helps you with is because you're like, I'm constantly prepared to think about myself as a different version of me or a new, new version that I'm discovering. And once I figured that out, it really helped me, really changed my game personally.

I was in the audition room or something for some weird commercial. And I remember being really insecure about my outfit because I couldn't buy new clothes.  I remember sitting there and somebody was like, Oh yeah, the girl has really like lead character energy. And, and I was like, What is that? And I was like, Oh, lead character energy. And I was like, Oh yeah, that's cool. I was like, Ooh, maybe I could like, just go in with that.

And then I was like, wait, lead character energy of what story? Like, who are we talking with? You know? And I was like, I was like, wait, everybody should have lead character. They're the lead character in their own story. Like, and I was like, wait, it was this funny moment that really like struck my young ego and like, made me think about just being, you know, like. What, yeah, am I, am I like actually showing up like in my own story or am I kind of just like letting life happen to me, you know?

It's something I keep coming back to that really helps me to like anchor to like, you have a little bit more control here than maybe you're thinking. Let's think about the ways that you can guide the story in a more pleasant for you direction, a more, you know, desirable direction, which I think is such a helpful tool for kids to, oh my gosh, like I try to talk with my daughter in those terms and she's just like, yeah, that is better than this being a bummer and me having no control.

Nicole Huesman: Absolutely. Wow. So, of all of the different experiences that you have had, and they have been so varied and vast,  what are you proudest of?

Bevin Victoria: I'm really proud of the film that I made a couple of years ago.  The truth about it, it's like, it did not do, I didn't get accepted into any film festivals.

I thought it was really well done and I was, I appreciated it, but I needed, I needed it to go that way, I guess, at that point in my life to really, um, uh, like really, make me go like, how dedicated are you to this specific path? Like, do you want this regardless of you, if you find commercial success or successes, you, you know, established it in the beginning of the process. Can you. Can you find enjoyment in it? Even if it doesn't go the way you think it's going to go, do you truly love it? Like how much do you love it?

Um, and so I appreciate the process for that because I do, I do think that I did a good job based on the budget that I had and, and you know, who I had involved and what resources I had and didn't have available to me, I'm proud of it. And it taught me that like, even though. It did not land the way that I had hoped or imagined it would. It taught me that I like, I do love it. I really do love it.

Nicole Huesman: So this is a great segue into this whole area of the definition of success, our own definitions of success and how they've morphed and changed over time. You know, what, how do you define success for yourself? And it sounds like for you as well, it, it has changed over time.

Bevin Victoria: Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's definitely changed over time.  I think the biggest thing for me is, is that the, the idea of success as a fixed idea is a recipe for failure, right? Like that's just how you guarantee that you for sure aren't going to hit those marks because there's always something changing. You're changing. The situation is changing. You know, the people involved, the other players, the support team, you know, the resources you have, you don't have all of that stuff is in flux all the time, you know, at least, at least for me.

What does success look like? What does that mean? Be clear with yourself. So you can at least give yourself like a real point in time and space that you're working towards or so that you know what you want, right? Like what does success look like? And am I moving towards something without that clearly defined in my mind? That maybe is not going to be helpful to me. So can I define success? What does it mean? Can I write it out? Can I just say it out loud one time? So I know what I'm doing. That was step one, right?

And then step two was like, ah, it's a moving target a little bit, right? Like, or maybe I have to redefine success and get comfortable with redefining success. And that in itself isn't inherently a failure, but it's just a pivot. It's just a change, you know? And it's okay.

And then like the third step or process in that has been like, can I completely change the definition right now in this moment to suit what I'm doing right now so that I've achieved success so I can feel that feeling for a second and then move from there? Can I just do that? What happens if I do that?

And for a long time I thought doing that was like Oh, you're gonna stop working. You won't be working hard. Then if you say that you're successful right now, you can't do that.  You can't be successful now because then what are you gonna just die is the whole story over, you know? Like what are you just gonna lie down and go to sleep for the rest of it, you know?

And I was like, whoa buddy! First of all, like, maybe that's not your narrative. Maybe that's not coming from you. Maybe that's some like leftover angry coaches or like people that are pushing you for their own reasons. Or, you know, like, that doesn't sound like the most caring, progressive attitude.

So where's that coming from? And, you know, I was realizing that a lot of it was left over like on, on, unpacked stuff from old athletic times. And this, this idea that if you're not constantly like running uphill at full speed, then you're not actually working that hard. So you probably can't be successful. Not even now and not ever, you know?

And it's like, well, okay. I get why we push and, and, and we train ourselves in that way, but like, work smarter, not harder. Can I change the definition of success in this moment to be exactly where I'm at and just sit with that feeling and watch how it changes my vibration, like moving forward.

And that has been probably the most powerful tool that I've learned thus far, um, is just being able to say, like, Hey, look around you. Like you did it. You, this is, Don't you don't remember that time you said you wanted exactly this thing right now. Like you did it. So maybe just sit down for one minute, take a drink of water, take a break and just feel the feeling of like you've achieved that.

 It doesn't mean the journey's over. It doesn't mean the story ends. It doesn't mean you're stopping. It doesn't mean you're lazy. It doesn't mean you're bad. It doesn't mean you you've sold out. It doesn't mean any of these weird things that you've swirled around that are some of them are not your ideas.

It just means you're giving yourself a moment to say like, Hey buddy, like you, yeah, okay, cool.  Just give yourself a chance to be feeling that sensation of like yes like sit in the feeling of success.

Nicole Huesman: Absolutely. And, and it's so important for us to celebrate those, those small wins along the way, right? And like you said, it doesn't mean, okay, now I'm done. Now I'm over, right? But at least we can celebrate the, the accomplishments we do have along our path. So, I'm wondering, what advice would you give either your younger self, or what advice would you give to other women?

Bevin Victoria: If I could give myself any advice, I would go back in time to six-year-old me. I was auditioning for Annie,  and I was, I was in second callbacks, and I remember, um, I remember, uh, like coming out of the room and being like, I like really left it all out, like, I really laid it all out there and I don't think they're going to cast me because I don't look like any of the other girls.

 So I just didn't go back. I got called back and I didn't, I didn't go for the next round, um, ‘cause I remember, I remember talking myself down. Like, it doesn't matter how you did. It's not going to happen for you in there, like as a six-year-old.

And it's so sad and so tragic. And so I would, like, go back in time. And I'd be like, okay, kid, grab my hand. We're going to run. We're going to get an ice cream. I'm going to give you a pep talk. You're going to go back in there and you're going to finish. And maybe, no, maybe you're right. Maybe it's too soon. Maybe you're not going to get cast, but you have to at least see it through because it's not about you. It's about so many more other kids than you. And just think about if you break down the door, at least by showing up in there. And I know it's hard and it shouldn't be your responsibility because you're so little and so young and you just want to do good in the world. But like, if you can just do this, if you can just find the strength to do this, imagine all the other girls that look like you. And then nobody has to feel like that ever, ever again, you'll be the last one. Or maybe you won't, but you're at least starting the process. You know, like you can be the one to kick down the door and I know you love kicking stuff.

So I would, I would do that. And I would, you know, Like hold my little hand and like walk back in there with her and be like, you're going to do this. You're going to sing your heart out and you're going to do a little pot of gray and a jazz square and they're going to think whatever they think about you. And it doesn't even matter because you're great and you showed up and you did the thing and you'll always know that like you did your best. And so I would do that.

And what I, what, what advice I would give to other women is like, if I could imbue every woman on planet earth with the permission that she needs to show up in any space as her full self, I would give that. Like, like, please know that there is no space that you don't belong in, that you shouldn't be able to show up as your full self in, and that you shouldn't feel safe in. Like you should feel safe and welcome in any space in the world because we make the world go around.

I don't, I still don't get how we got here where we have to even like ask each other or ourselves for permission to do things or to show up to spaces. But like, I just, I wish for every woman that she could feel a hundred percent confident with all of the amazing things that she has to offer and the uniqueness and like the, the, the one in a billion this that each person brings into whatever space they're in. And, Um, to just feel empowered by that. And then the more of us that do it, the more, the easier it will be for us to do that for ourselves too.

Nicole Huesman: Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. So, Bevin, what does She Lights the Way mean to you?

Bevin Victoria: It means being a beacon of whether it's like inspiration or hope or safety or stability or. Um, something, even if it's, even if it isn't always like, um, easy to describe or, or easy to categorize or quantify, um, but just being, um, being something that's in space that you can like anchor to, whether that's a person in a room that says other people's names to give them opportunities or just shining your own light into the world so that other people feel inspired to do that. To like this, this font of like. Authenticity and, and realness and, and like heart and integrity that, that like shines out into the world that people can look at and go like, Oh my gosh, I could do that too. I could do exactly that too. And if we all did it, like what would happen?

Nicole Huesman: You are such a bright light. You've shined such a bright light for others, right from from the little girl in the audience to your sister to so many other women who see themselves right in, in your performances and in all of what you're doing.  I thank you for being a part of She Lights the Way and for sharing your story with us.

Bevin Victoria: Thank you so much for having me. It's been really great. I, I really appreciate the, the opportunity to be a part of it.